Being Sexually Abused Does NOT Mean You Will Become a Pedophile

One of the biggest and secret, very secret concerns of many individuals, who were sexually abused as children and were also victims of domestic violence, is that they are going to grow up and become child molesters themselves. They may find themselves being drawn to materials that glorifies what they experienced as a child and because those who were molesting them made them feel as if it is nothing wrong, then those children will grow up thinking that it is okay and everyone does it.

Because sexual molestation of children were often swept under the carpet as if it was something shameful on the part of the child, that child will now be ashamed of admitting the turmoil that is going on inside them less they may be labeled as gay/lesbian, or as adults they are afraid of being labeled a pedophile. And because shows such as Law and Order: SVU portrays abused victims who turned around and abuse children as disgusting pedophiles, no one in their right mind would want to come forward and talk about what they went through.

Who the hell wants to be labeled as a sex offender??? Having thoughts of how you felt when you were sexually abused, especially if you realized that you had enjoyed the feelings, that does not mean that you will do the same thing to someone else. Sex was designed as a feel good feeling. Your body responded naturally. Do not be ashamed.

You may end up having a high sex drive because you were introduced to sex so early, however, you can enjoy that sex drive with other consenting adults who I am sure will definitely enjoy sharing that sexual passion with you. Do not allow sexual abuse to dictate your adult life and take away your enjoyment of life. Most importantly, do not be ashamed of sex.

While it is true that there are individuals, who have victimized children, were abused themselves, not everyone who was abused, including you, will become a sex offender. Please note, that except for the title of this article and in this instance, I will not use the disgusting word “pedophile”.

People are too quick to label others with disgusting and limiting words instead of finding ways to help those in turmoil. Also, please do not feel offended that I am speaking “kindly” of those who abused children. Nor should you think that I’m telling you to think compassionately of the person who abused you. That is your personal healing and it is up to you where you go with your healing.

Your personal pain is your personal pain and it is my sincere hope that you can find the strength to seek help without feeling ashamed. Do not go through that kind of pain or any kind of pain for that matter alone. Take heed that whatever you are ashamed of, controls you. Do not allow sexual abuse and the thoughts that come with it make you ashamed, because if you do, you will stay a victim for as long as it takes you to stop feeling ashamed of yourself and of what happened.

Many individuals do not understand the private inner hell that individuals who were sexually abused suffer. It is much easier to sit and point fingers at the person, condemning them and trying to shame them. Nothing is worse than being labeled as a pedophile by individuals who never stopped to even lift a finger to help those who are suffering or to understand what is going on. Being educated has nothing to do with the feelings and turmoil’s one goes through after enduring years of sexual violence.

As a victim of sexual abuse and vicious domestic violence for the first nineteen years of my life, I know first-hand of the private hell other victim’s experience. It took me a long time before I was strong enough to even talk about my personal hell. Coming from a strong religious background expanded the shame I felt to gigantic proportions. I wasn’t cutting myself, but I was tearing myself down inside in a very disgusting manner. All I heard was, you are a Witness, and you should know better, you are an adult you should know better so I shut down which only made things worse. Those were complete ignorant responses.

Usually those responses come from individuals who do not want to be burdened with something so heavy. They may even have experienced the same pain and they don’t want to deal with what they went through so they want you to shut up about what you went through. Do not let that cause you to fall into despair.

I know first-hand the thoughts that go through individuals minds. They are afraid of having children because they feel that they may do the same thing to their kids or worse. Or they may feel that they would be too over-protective of their children and end up smothering their kids. Sadly, there are those who were abused as children that turned around and abused their own children in unspeakable ways. They take out their anger and pain on a defenseless child because they were unable to take it out on the adults who had abused them as children. I cannot stress this enough – THERE IS NO SHAME IN SEEKING HELP!!!

There are mature, well-trained Therapists, who are not only empathetic and compassionate, but they are well trained to handle these types of things and they will do everything to help you heal so that you can learn to love yourself so you can start to live a happy, fulfilling and productive life. Do not allow others to treat you as if you are something dirty. No shame if you realize you spoke to the wrong person. Realize that and change course.

Do not blame yourself if that person went down a negative path with what they think they may know about you and try to not harbour any hatred towards that person either. They were just working off of their knowledge and understanding. Take back your own power and seek out a trained and qualified Therapist who will support you, validate you and help you heal. The fact that you sought or is seeking help tells that you will not hurt children and you will not continue hurting yourself.

If you are not ready to seek a Therapist because you feel ashamed or lack of finances, there are books out there that you can read and find tremendous solace. One such book that is a go to of mine whenever I am feeling a certain way is: “Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children”… by Ellen Bass. Another fantastic book is: “The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse”… by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. And although this next book is focused on the Black culture, it is applicable to any culture and to anyone who has been the victim of sexual abuse as a child: “No Secrets No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse”… by Robin Stone. I also hope that this article is reaching you at the right time.

You do not have to purchase all three. Read the titles and see which one stirs your Soul. In the appendix of those books are recommendations for other books. Bit by bit, you can begin to embark on your personal healing journey. Bit by bit you will no longer feel ashamed and who knows, maybe in time you will be able to speak your story to others who are going through similar pain. When you begin to speak out about what happened to you, you will break apart the chains of confinement that was holding you captive. When you speak your story, you become free mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Yes, it is that powerful.

If you were not abused, but you know someone who was, do not think you are enabling that person by listening to them talk out their pain. Sometimes just listening and offering a comforting non-judgmental ear is what someone may need to help them in their healing. If you do not understand what they are going through ask them to explain and let them know that you would like to know how you can better help them. Do not for one minute treat that person as if they are a pariah or a child who needs parental guidance because of their thoughts and because of the abuse they suffered.

It also does not mean that the person is mentally ill if they were abused. Those are some of the disgusting stigmas that exist to make those who suffered horrendously believe that they are nasty and disgusting and that they need to be committed. Nothing is more ludicrous. Respect the person for the adult they are and the fact that they are talking about it means than they are cognizant of their pain and they are seeking support.

Realize that they have undertaken their own healing and sometimes they may just need to talk out something in order to get it clearer in their minds. In order to not exacerbate what the person is going through and damage their psyche, if there is something you do not understand, politely and gently ask them to explain. Who knows, maybe you can be the person who helps them to have a profound breakthrough which leads to deeper healing. That person will forever appreciate you.

While sexual abuse is a very deep and disturbing act, you can go from victim to victor in your own life. As you heal layer by layer, you may find that you are being called to a higher calling. A calling to share your story to help others to heal. You will find that the more you talk about what happened to you and the inner hell that you had to live in, you will facilitate a deeper healing for yourself. You cannot bring joy to someone without a bit of it rubbing off on you too. Always seek to heal, share and heal some more.

Use your life as a means by which to help others to stop living their lives in shame. Use your life’s story to educate others on how to help others who are suffering from the silent pain of sexual abuse and domestic violence. It is up to each and every one of us to change the stigmas that exist in Society, stigmas that only serve to keep individuals suffering instead of helping them get the support they need so that they can heal.

The world will be a much better place if we encourage and support individuals in their healing. Struggling, living in pain and suffering is not normal. Living a thriving, passionate life is normal. That is the life you should always strive to live.